Restroom Pass

Seems that one of the many ways kids really take advantage of having a substitute teacher is by "needing to go to the restroom."  Sometimes, I would swear that the entire class needs to go and eventually does over the course of the short time we are together. I usually let no more than 1 at a time out of the room. That practice seems to cut down on the trouble they can get into while out of my sight.

One day, in a middle school class, two girls approached me. These 8th graders, eye-to-eye with me, whisper that they both need to go to the bathroom. I reply, "No problem. One at a time."
      "But," one said, "we have both started our periods..." They are both looking expectantly with wonder on their faces....wonder and hope that I will believe and submit to their request.
       I didn't reply. God only knows what my face revealed.
      The other added, "...for the first time," with first time emphasized.
An air of faux-innocence has been added to their faces. They both held my eyes with theirs.
      I turn, walk away  while they dog me saying "Can we? Can we, huh?"
      Finally I turn to face them. "Seriously Ladies?" The innocence evaporates and I almost think I see a quick eye-roll. "One of you can go and when that one returns, the other can go."

     One produces a fuscia-colored container indicating it holds 2 items of feminine protection. She further pleads their case by stating, "We have to go together...."
     Sinking into disgust at this point I query sarcastically, "What? Do you need to help each other use those?" As they exchange "now what?" looks with each other, I continued. "Do you think I was born last night?"
     They are both totally lost at this point and say "What?"
     I ask again, "Do you think I was born last night, cuz I am NOT buying that. You need to come up with something a little more creative, a lot more plausible." As soon as it's out of mouth, I know what I'm going to get. Big words, 8th grade girls intent on deception. They don't go together.
      "Plausi-what?" one starts as the other repeats "Cre-A-tive?" And they're exchanging looks like I'm the one who's nuts. "What do you mean by `creative?'"
     "Here's an example. One of you could have said `we need to go together cuz like she has this cyst on her butt that has just burst and she can't reach it to put on a fresh band-aide, and this is an emergency cuz .....' I would have been inclined to believe you and let you both go together."
     "What's a cyst?" one begins while the other elbows her co-hort in crime and asks, "Will that work? Can we use that one and go?"
     Power! Absolute power! A substitute rarely experiences such relish!  "Oh my goodness no, Dearies! You have to come up with your own creative reason."
     As I begin to walk away, one says "Ok, can I go and when I come back, can she go?"
     "Certainly."